Is it Really a Gift...
or are you giving an obligation?
Happy Thanksgiving to those readers in the US. I hope you can celebrate in the manner which is most meaningful to you, whether that means gathering with family and friends for a feast, spending the day in the kitchen, watching a football marathon, or spending a quiet day free from obligations. I’ll be meeting up with my sister to see the Tony-award-winning revival of Stephen Sondheim’s Company this evening.
For many, Thanksgiving also marks the start of a frenzied season of shopping. My inbox has been flooded for weeks with announcements of Black Friday sales (since when does Black Friday occupy the entire month of November?). You may be making a list and checking it twice and checking the available credit on your VISA card. Or you may be counting how many knitting days remain before the big day, wondering if you can get away with wrapping up yarn in a pretty bag accompanied by a promise of future completion.
I do not knit holiday gifts and I do very little gift shopping. I opt out of much of the holiday stress. Does this mean I’m a Scrooge? Not at all. I enjoy the magical twinkle of holiday lights in the neighborhood, I watch It’s a Wonderful Life every year, and I listen to holiday music during the last two weeks of December.
I’ve eliminated much of the stress around the holidays by following these simple rules for gift giving:
Remember the definition of gift.
A gift is an item given to someone without expecting anything in return. It follows that what happens to a gift after you give it is none of your business. The recipient may treasure your gift, or they may return it, ruin it, give it away, or even throw it away. If your feelings will be hurt when your gift isn’t appreciated or cared for, then it wasn’t a gift. It was an obligation.
If you want to give a gift, ask for specific suggestions.
Try not to assume you understand all the nuances of the recipient’s taste. Most people are happy to tell you what they would like to receive. If someone asks you to knit for them, let them help you choose the pattern and the yarn. Nothing is sadder than making someone a sweater or hat they have asked for only to have them hate the color.
Sometimes the best gift is a gift card.
I once heard a woman tell a story about knitting a shawl for her college-age granddaughter, who did not live nearby. She chose an intricate lace pattern and bought expensive, hand-painted silk yarn and pearl beads. She spent many hours on this challenging project, all the while envisioning her granddaughter attending dances and fancy college events with this lace shawl gracefully draped around her shoulders.
You can probably guess what happened. On Christmas Day, the knitter asked her son about the gifts she had sent. He sent her a picture of the granddaughter with the shawl haphazardly wrapped around her neck and an expression of annoyance on her face.
There was clearly a disconnect between the knitter’s idea of her granddaughter and the young woman’s idea of herself. A gift card would have allowed the granddaughter to buy the clothes she wants or needs and would have saved the knitter from the disappointment of investing so much on a gift that missed the mark.
Anything marketed as a gift is probably just a tchotchke, and no one needs more tchotchkes.
The exception to this rule is Harry and David gift baskets. Everybody likes those.
Don’t spend money you don’t have buying people things they don’t need.
Going into debt to buy holiday gifts makes no sense at all.
I let it be known that I do not knit gifts. As a designer of hand knitting patterns, knitting is part of my job. As a freelancer, I need to spend my knitting time on work for which I’ll be paid.
Of course, there are always exceptions. My son knows I will gladly make him anything he wants. If he tells me his dog needs a winter sweater, I respond with a list of the measurements required. A new bag to hold his D&D dice? I dig in my yarn stash for cotton in his favorite colors. But I don’t send him unsolicited hand knits.
The other exception is my mother. She has a collection of socks I have knit for her over the years, and she loves to wear them. She washes her wool socks with care and darns the heels when they become thin. Seeing her feet encased in colorful socks with evidence of careful mending on the heels? That is a gift for me! I will happily continue to knit socks for Mom.
Thanks for taking the time to read A Good Yarn. If you’d like to receive my newsletter in your inbox every week, I’d love it if you’d subscribe.
Continue the conversation by hitting the comment button below. How do you approach holiday gift-giving? Do you knit holiday gifts? I’d love to hear from you.
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Well thought piece. The definition of "gift" is on the spot; never expect something in return.
Giving of your time, your friendship, your company, sharing a lovingly cooked meal, is more precious that a bought gadget that at best provides only momentary pleasure.